What if? WWIII
War focused historical satire
In the emergence of WWIII, the U.S. send troops to help the Ukrainian Army fight off the Russian forces. The resistance to ward Russian aggression are camping in trenches. Tanks and missiles rain down in the open field. Mines are detonated with every vibration, and incoming enemies are scared to risk their lives for a futile war. Three U.S. newbies are having the time of their life.
Joe: We are just enlisted soldiers. We got no experience and are sent to battle, knowing that our lives are on the line. I have 6 clips for my assault rifle, but I can’t figure out where the safety is on the gun. At least, I got three bullet proof vests on. Not even a sniper can penetrate me.
Hugo: I’ve had the best performance in boot camp. Never missed the bulls-eye on the target. You unlock the safety by pressing the little switch on the side. Also, I suggest you switch to semi-auto because we are not getting supplies. The Air Force is worried that our fighter planes will be shot down by anti-aircraft missiles. You do not have a machine gun. Use these bullets sparingly. We are not playing Call of Duty.
Quintin: I got the role of a sniper. My accuracy is terrible. Who wants to switch with me? I can barely see with this smoke and chaos on the frontlines. Shoot! I just shot my teammate on accident. I saw a moving body and thought the person was moving on our side to drop a grenade on us.
A missile misses them and kills nearby people in the trench. The explosion sends them lying on the floor, trying to breathe through the debris and smell of cauterized meat.
Hugo: Well, this is not the Vietnam war. We got sights on the enemy and know their every move with Google Maps. See, the GPS shows that the General is nowhere near us. He’s in the HQ located 70,000 miles from this territory. Fudge! I lost signal on my iPhone 14. No towers around here. Satellite internet is also not available in this country. Why did I trade my old phone for this expensive piece of s***?
Quintin: You are still looking at your phone. Turn it off. The brightness is revealing our position to the enemy.
Quintin grabs the phone and smashes it to pieces with his sniper’s stock.
Joe: I gave $1000 dollars to Hugo to buy this, and you destroyed our only camera to get footage of the battlefield conditions. That’s like saying that the U.S. never went to this site.
Hugo: I’m reporting your actions to our commander, so you get trialed for committing a war crime of intentionally destroying critical equipment. Have fun squealing in the electric chair. I bet you won’t last 5 seconds.
Quintin: If I go down, I’ll drag y’all along.
Quintin lifts his sniper rifle and adjusts it to point straight at Hugo.
Joe: Stop bickering. We are supposed to be fighting the enemy and not our own squad. We have the least number of kills in this claustrophobic place. Our goal is to survive, until we can get the h*** out of here.
Hugo: Joe’s right. This is not a Thanksgiving holiday to slack off and eat Turkey. We should be thankful that our heads are still protected by our helmets, and got all our limbs intact. All our other comrades are missing limbs from the bombing.
Quintin: Fine. Don’t talk to me. I’m trying to concentrate and contribute to the war effort.
Quintin, Joe, and Hugo kill many Russian soldiers. Russian tanks are blown by Stinger missiles and Javelin rockets. The enemy appears to retreat from advancing toward them. The battlefield goes quiet after a week of turmoil and spilled blood. The soldiers in the trenches cheer and celebrate their hard-earned victory. This was the first time that they had directly fought with the enemy without evacuating from their station.
Quintin: I don’t regret this moment of valor. I successfully paid off my student loan debt with this mission, and I am going to take a Master’s degree on Culinary Arts, so I can be in charge of making all of the grub for the team. I suck at using the sniper rifle, so I’ll reserve it for the next recruit. What are your plans, Joe and Hugo?
Hugo: I’m going to tell my girlfriend that I missed those sweet lips of hers. Her parents will be so proud of my achievements, and I’m going to propose to her as a surprise. I need to prepare a tuxedo suit and a batch of flowers to compliment her beauty.
Quintin: Looks like I need to find a soulmate like you. You are a sentimental fellow who answers only to your girlfriend. A neat and obsessed simp. I’ll repay you, so you can get yourself a new phone. Sorry for the trouble earlier.
Hugo laughs and does a fist bump, slippery snake, and a dab with Quintin.
Joe: Hugo, you lucky b******. I got dumped like ten times for no reason. I’m too handsome like Tom Cruise. I guess jealousy will always ruin my relationships because I attract the attention of everyone around me. I’m going to become an actor for Top Gun 3 by auditioning for any open roles. You can see me in the theaters. I will give y’all a free ticket.
Quintin and Hugo: Can’t wait to see your debut. We will freak out everyone in the room by shouting “I know him”.
Quintin, Hugo, and Joe slump down in their spots. They all look at the sky, for all its perfection and reflection of their lives. No one makes a sound because they are too exhausted from their adrenaline crash. They are all holding onto one another’s shoulders as they take the most uncomfortable but prolonged sleep in their lives. On the ground marks their names, left behind by a journal that lists the names of every soldier in the regiment.